January 26

Put in my notice this morning, amicably, hemming & hawing where necessary but by no means making myself smaller for the process. It is a palpable shift, a weight unmoored—I can’t say entirely lifted, but in seachange, a buoy severed of its anchor. A quick work, possibility, how it rushes in to flood my thinking, to color it new. Where I wore this decision as heft & hindrance yesterday today I see it open unto that nameless world I knew upon arriving here. A place entirely other. A place for which I had no vocabulary, simply because I had no expectation. The good news here is that Orcas & this particular situation have managed to retain their respective identities. This has ruined nothing larger for me, only caused me to bend & bow. But we bend back, don’t we. & so. The novelty in this I can greet either by biting my nails or by jutting my hands in my pockets & whistling, so to speak. Stress or let it unfold. I wonder how heavy my hand is in the making of this particular narrative. How I watch myself do so much. But then, at least I know now what I will not be watching.

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