April 20, 21

Of a sudden, evening well past, a tempest in me, a frenzied thing blowing through & rattling rafter & ribcage, calling & pulling. To cull from me my torpor, cast it to the flame. I rut in pity, bog & well in tiresome woe, whittle time to no shape at all, blade over wood that it become wood alone, no shape discernible, no half-form erupting, no Daphne’s arms flailing from the riven bark. Evening calls & I offer it nothing, some pages of overwrought writing, some hot tears, some aimless vespers to forget in sleep. A part of me would upturn the whole charade, but it would not know where next to turn, that part that would shake my whispering from me, rack & vanquish self from self, slap away my muttering & call me to me entire in faith. Safe to say I sicken of myself, spit on my sounding to hear it thus expressed. A restlessness crawling in my skin, these sudden outbursts, head hung in hands, how I can do nothing the day through & fall to sobbing a briefest spell & find myself utterly exhausted by it. How I tire here, & how my heart eludes me, scattershot, peckish, panicked thing. What peace in this warp & weft, honest deflation or a lashing distraction? I am scarring myself with silences, their searing hisses snake-tongues in recoil. & I walk & breathe & pretend a life & worst of it is that now sole accountable I cannot account for it in the least. Now individuated I balk at the individual, some stranger wearing my words, licking my wounds raw of tongue. This me in me trembling in nascence, a wall to shield it from the sun, a groundlessness to shield it from the ground, a ________ to shield it from every fucking thing, pusillanimous & grotesque little creature, just-hatched thing with eyes squinting at the sun, just be in the world, just be in the world like everyone else. How I want to care for you, lend you my love, wing you along, world-sieve, feather & filter, & please, please let me take from you your fear & lay it aside & let you stand a spell alone. How you falter & slip, a caul-wet foal. There is only a heart in you, only a breath, only a thought. & it is the briefest fluttering of flame. Tender, tender now, & whittle no more.

***

Better today—maybe utterance alone breeds some small traction. In any case, spring-like, high forties, sun & only the calmest intimation of breeze. Ran the beach at high tide again this morning with Wils & then headed to harbor to help Peter put new hinges on the deck above his bilge. Afterwards, took the boat, the Sorceress, into the drink to test the new steering lines in the bay; my first time on water in something other than a ferry or kayak since high school. Traced over near Halibut Cove, past the rookery, hard to starboard & port to ensure a clean-spun wheel. & afterwards, home to walk in the afternoon light, & here to impart it. Took a window from its sill to let breeze flush along the stagnant air, just warm enough. Odd, today, how I feel self-upbraided, that lingering sense after admonishment, in this case both of scolder & scolded. Perhaps the two meet in the middle & would forge ahead in reticent peace, uneasy equanimity. & so. What will color the coming days.

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